I’m not one to get up on a soapbox when it comes to politics. One politician is, in my humble opinion, as bad or good as the next. However, I feel the time has come for me to bring to light something that has been glaringly overlooked. The closest thing I have to a soapbox is my bottle of liquid detergent, so without further adieu, let me begin.
Donald R. Trump is not a politician. He is the neighborhood bully you wouldn’t have voted into class presidency. He is a spoiled, egocentric, tyrant who never received the good whooping he had coming to him. In fact, I have indisputable evidence that he is Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story, all grown up and running for president.
Please tell me you’ve seen the holiday movie A Christmas Story. It’s the classic tale of a nine-year old boy who wants only one thing for Christmas — A Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle.
So who is Scut Farkus, and why am I telling you this story when there are still 292 days until Christmas? Scut Farkus is the little shit bully who torments our protagonist, Ralphie Parker. And I’m claiming Farkus grew up, changed his name to Trump, and is now running for the presidency of the United States of America. By the time you’re done reading this, I think you’ll be convinced as well.
When we meet Scut Farkus, he’s cornering Ralphie and his two buddies, Flick and Schwartz, along with Ralphie’s little brother Randy in an alley. Farkus lets out an evil laugh. The narrator, adult Ralphie says,
“There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! SO HELP ME GOD, YELLOW EYES!!”
The boys run to escape, but are cut short by Grover Dill, Scut’s crummy little toady. Every bully needs a toady to do his dirty work. Bullies don’t typically have the grit for it, and dare I say, neither does Trump.
I’ve seen a lot of comparisons of Trump to Mussolini or even Hitler. One included a who-said-it game, and I thought that might be valuable here. Unfortunately, Farkus didn’t say much in this movie, so this isn’t a long game, but let’s see if you can play along.
WHO SAID IT — TRUMP OR FARKUS?
- Listen, jerk. When I tell you to come, you better come.
- I don’t like losers.
- I’m not doing that to brag. Because you know what, I don’t have to brag.
- What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on crybaby, cry for me.
- She’s a fat pig.
Scroll to the bottom for the answers.
The narrator goes on to tell us, “In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble of victims!” Yet, Ralphie proves he is none of these when, finally, he is pushed to his breaking point. His hot tears turn to rage and he rams into Trump . . . er, I mean . . . Farkus, and knocks him to the ground. Ralphie pummels the bully to a bloody pulp, while his toady, Dill, runs home to his Dad.
If Trump ends up being our Republican candidate, which it looks like he will, I can’t wait to see who his crummy little toady is, but I’ll bet he was once known as Grover Dill. You’ll know him by the way his lips curl over his green teeth.
If you’re still considering voting for Trump, please check out these common traits of bullies:
- Are often strong
- May or may not be popular with their peers
- Have trouble following the rules
- Show little concern for the feelings of others
- Think highly of themselves
- Often a sign that a person has not learned to control his or her aggression
Does this sound like a certain Republican you know? Is this the person you want leading the United States of America?
This year you will have the choice to be a toady or one of a nameless rabble of victims. Or will you finally reach your breaking point, march into the election booth, and pummel this bully with your vote?
Lest you still harbor uncertainty for the likelihood of Scut Farkus having grown up to run as Donald Trump, I ask you to examine the uncanny resemblance.
When I’m right, I’m right.
Who said it — Trump or Farkus?
- Trump – Even Farkus wasn’t that mean.
How’d you do?
Peace . . .