Trust Me

Trust implies unreserved belief in or reliance upon something or someone.  Do I consider myself a trustworthy person?  I do.  I can keep information told to me in confidence.  I can hold something valuable for someone without hocking it.  I will, to the best of my ability, do something I tell you I will.
 
Why then, can’t I trust myself?  Did it start in childhood?  I showed up unexpectedly ten years after my mom had planned to be done bearing children.  Living in a household of people who always knew better than me, maybe I learned trust was something you put in others.
 
Was it later when my instincts were nullified?  When I was told that creepy men who tried to seduce young girls were just being nice?  When I was told that the kiss on my cheek was nothing more than friendly?
 
Was it going straight from being taken care of by my parents to being taken care of by a husband?  Being told how to think, what to believe?  Certainly it was familiar — like having older siblings, parents, grandparents who always knew better.  I let myself be taken care of.  It was comfortable.
 
I learned through my children’s eyes how to be a trustworthy person.  I still remember the first time my daughter caught me in a white lie.  That is when I learned how to grow strong and be honest toward others.  While I was teaching them it was honorable to follow through with promises, I was proving to myself it was possible.
 
And then the biggest promise of all was broken.  Our family suffered a divorce.  Suddenly, with no formal instruction, I was handed the reins to the rest of my life.  I was one of those women who had never shopped for insurance, never bought a home, never had the oil changed in my car.  I was like a child in a grown-up world.  It was a necessity that I learn a lot in a very short time.
 
With my parents gone, I had no one to trust but myself. I can’t tell you how many times I wished, and still do, that I could ask my mom what to do. There are people in my life who can offer advice, but once my parents passed away there was no one left who would ever have as much invested in my life as me. No one who cared that much. I realized that it was time to invest in me, because no one else is going to. Time to trust in myself.
 
While I will tell anyone who asks, “You can trust me,” I don’t hold that same confidence in myself.  I’ve let myself down.  I’ve lied to myself.  I’ve spent money I told myself I wouldn’t.  I’ve given myself advice on things I know absolutely nothing about.  Experience being the best teacher, I have no business trusting myself.  Trust is not given, but earned.  That takes time.  Yet what I need more than anything right now is to be worthy of trust in myself.
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About Jean

Trying to make sense of it all and . . . for the most part . . . doing it. View all posts by Jean

17 responses to “Trust Me

  • myspokenheart

    Thank-you for this… it feels familiar in so many ways…

  • dragonfly1121

    I lie to myself all the time, don’t beat yourself up for it. My problem is I can’t or won’t trust anybody buy myself. From the teeny bit I see of your life, I think you are doing just fine.

  • livingsimplyfree

    It is hard to trust yourself, I could see myself in your writing today. I’m getting better at it, but it’s been a long road. From reading your posts I would have never guessed you struggled with this problem. Aren’t our children great teachers? I learned more from them than probably any one else in my life.

    • Jean

      I struggle when it comes to money especially. Investment, saving, spending, and also with my career. I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up, but then I think it doesn’t matter because I can’t take the risk of changing course right now. It all comes down to my future security, happiness and freedom I guess. I don’t trust that I’m making the right decisions.

      • livingsimplyfree

        Oh how I know that feeling. There’s something about being a single mom that scares the heck out of me. I struggled with it all, money, career and even if I was a good enough mom. There is so much more security when there are two parents.

  • Adam S

    Those are some really honest words, Jean. It takes a lot of courage for you to admit your tendencies. Self-discovery is a challenge for all. I wish you the best moving forward, and hope that you rediscover — or should I say, “discover” — yourself fully and completely. I think you’re long well on your way. Great words as always.

  • Ad-libb3d

    “…it was time to invest in me, because no one else is going to. Time to trust in myself.”

    I love this. Beautiful post, Jean.

  • Thomas Cotterill

    This is a great post, Jean. As Adam has said: very brave, But why are you trustworthy when others are concerned, yet not with yourself? The answer in such cases is usually lack of self-esteem. You value others enough to make an effort, but don’t accord yourself the same level of respect. Having said that, the discrepancy between your plans and your actions indicates a deficiency of self-knowledge. Are you really an untrustworthy handler of money who needs to “improve”? Or are you (as one example) a perfectly normal happy-go-lucky type who doesn’t understand what she is? The great secret in life is not self-trust of the kind you describe, but self-acceptance. Once you have accepted yourself (warts and all), you can learn to deal with who you are. Managing the real you is quite different from resenting and fighting against your natural inclinations.

    • Jean

      Wow, Thomas! Thanks for reading and putting so much consideration into it. This is food for thought. I think I will have to read this reply a few more times to digest it. It gives me more to think about than I may be willing to post “out loud.” But know I am keeping it all in mind.

  • insearchofitall

    I’ve been writing in my journal about this very subject. I think there are a lot of us out here dealing with the same thing. Thanks for being so open and expressing it so well.

  • Katie

    This is truly beautiful. Such a great reflection.

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